What jealousy can cause
by Darkness Drake
Summary: To what lengths can a jealous person go?Oh,believe me.A lot.Crack!fic.


Er, yes…well, back with another crack fic. The lower part of my keyboard isn´t working, so I´m sorry if I make a few typos. You see, you´ll need a few drinks to get through this fic.

Okay? Don´t say I didn't warn you.

Contains NaLu, GaLe, Jerza, Elfgreen, GaLe, Gruvia and lots of crack pairings. When I say crack, I mean it. Contains a bit of GrayTear and Lyvia.

-x-

The streets of Magnolia were empty, the only sound detectable being the strong wind´s. But a strong source of magical power flew through the air, its presence undetectable, and it covered every inch of the city. Its habitants, unaware, slept peacefully through it, innocent of its consequences in the nearing morning.

A figure, lurking in the shadows, grinned maliciously, an evil glint in his eyes. It was all going according to the plan.

And so, morning inevitably came.

The Fairy Tail guild was silent, a rare occurrence for those who knew of its history throughout the years. Rarer was the fact only its male members were inside. Even rarer was to see them trying to barricade the guild´s doors and windows while possibly the whole Magnolia´s female population was trying to get in.

The only sounds going on in the guild were those of wood clashing against wood and the sobs and pleads of a blonde haired man.

"This can´t be!" he managed to choke out between sobs, "We're all gonna die! I want my mommy…"

A red haired woman, who was also trying to get in from the outside of the guild, sneezed uncontrollably.

"Laxus…"

Said man looked up at Natsu and stopped crying for a second. They were all in this situation, weren´t they? He wasn´t alone! Natsu would understand his pain. They could fight through this, all of them, together and-

"…You´re a freaking wimp!"

Natsu snickered and pointed his index finger at the desperate man, his giggles turned into a full laughter when the latter´s lips trembled and he hugged his Dora the Explorer plushie in sheer desperation.

"Wh-When this w-whole thing is done, Natsu, y-you´ll have to d-deal with me!"

"Yeah, sure, you´re gonna attack me with your toy next time. Never taking you seriously again, man."

"Natsu, he has a point."

The Dragon Slayer crossed his arms and looked at Max, who was holding a broom close to his chest.

"Yeah, what do you know, broom freak? That thing looks like it's alive sometimes, by the way… Especially today."

Max blushed and gripped the broom tightly to stop it from moving too much, before coughing and trying to regain his position.

"Leave my broom out of this. I like cleaning, that´s all. What I meant is that there´s a bunch of women outside, trying to get in and refusing to back down, and we don´t know what they want from us since they don´t seem in the mood to talk our way out of this. We should be scared!"

"Cleaning?" Gray tapped his chin, seemingly considering something, "Is that what they call it these days?"

"He llllllllllllllllllllllikes it!" Happy covered his mouth with his paws before bouncing off in an attempt of escaping a possible kick.

The broom was trying to stick itself into Max´s mouth again and he forcefully hid it behind his back and sat on it. An almost humanly yelp could be heard, but it passed off as belonging to one of the many women outside.

"Were you listening to anything I said at all?"

"Kinda hard to when you´re wrestling a broom. Nah, I can´t take you seriously either."

"Natsu, this is serious! They can all be trying to kill us! Or eat us! Or both!"

"I think I saw Lucy´s Land Lady through the window like ten minutes ago…why would she do that? Man, you´re a wimp too."

"Speaking of which…" Gray, naked, started, while he made an ice sculpture of a dancing Sting, "what must be Lucy, Erza and the others thinking? We didn´t let them in when this confusion started early in the morning."

"Well, we made a party celebrating Fairy Tail´s victory against Quatro Puppy in a staring contest yesterday! Not our fault the girls decided to go home instead of sleeping in the guild like us. It was late anyway!"

"A MAN would stay and sleep here!"

"That´s sort of the reason they didn´t -" Max gave up half into the sentence because, frankly, Elfman never listens. Listening wasn´t manly enough, apparently. Instead, he ran away to the back of the guild with his darling broom, who was way more excited than usual, for some reason, and started to make out with her. However that works.

And suddenly, a crack could be heard. Their temporary safe shelter was being broken into bits, the strength of the raging women outside being too strong to handle.

Laxus´ sobs turned into terrified howls and the others either gasped dramatically or imitated "The Scream", by Edvard Munch. Who Freed, missing for some reason, secretly aimed to be like.

"Well." Natsu started, not looking too worried despite the situation, "we´re screwed."

And at that right moment, the guild fell down on them under the pressure of the women´s punches and pushes and even under their weight, as some had managed to climb their way to the top.

"Nooo! I was afraid of this! I knew this was it! That´s why I was sobbing! They´re _fangirls_!"

But Laxus´ voice was muffled as they began to assault him shamelessly.

"Oh no…!" Natsu´s eyes widened when he saw his own share of fangirls running towards him, ready to grope him senseless. Some of them were old enough to be his grandmother, for Sting´s sake.

He was paralyzed, not knowing what to do, but before the group of women could reach him, a huge humanoid cow, who should really look more like a bull, pushed them away violently, before puffing out his chest in pride.

"Did you and your nice body see that?"

"Yes, Taurus, I did."

Natsu sighed in relief when he heard Lucy´s voice in the midst of that confusion.

"You can go back now, good job."

"Moo! No reward for me? How about a-"

She forced a gate closure on him, determined to make her point clear. Natsu thought she had a slightly different tone in her voice, but didn´t make much case of it. She probably had a bad night without him to annoy her around! Speaking of which, the one time he didn´t spend the night at her house was the day this confusion had to happen. She´d been right, he shouldn´t have stayed at the guild. Following her would´ve been better.

…Or not.

"Stay away from him you hormonal harpies!"

She shrieked this as loudly as she could and Natsu could swear she even sounded a little manly somehow. She jumped on him as the other fangirls cowered in fear and Natsu screamed like a five year old girl. She was a fangirl _herself _today! What in the name of Sting happened?

Gray was in the exact same situation, although he was sure Juvia _had_ murdered a few fangirls with her Water Slicer.

"Juvia won´t permit this… Oh, no, you don´t mess with Gray-sama in front of Juvia and get away with it…"

"And I won´t permit you to take all the glory!"

Gray recognized that voice. What in the world was she doing here?

"Meredy may like you, but I don´t!" she continued, striking a martial art pose at Juvia, "I, Ultear Milkovich, challenge you to a fight, Juvia!"

"Juvia doesn´t care what Ultear thinks. Juvia only cares about Gray-sama!"

"That´s exactly why I want to fight you. So do I! Whoever wins, gets Gray. What do you say?"

"Juvia says to bring it on!"

And for some reason, the two jumped at each other and fought hand to hand instead of using magic. Gray was actually pretty thankful. It was a nice show…he slapped himself when he realized he was getting a nosebleed. Wait a second, didn´t he get a say in that bet? Karma laughed in his ear. Teaches him not to go along with that bet he and Lyon had made back at the Grand Magic games.

But a distant figure punched a wall and cursed Sting under his breath. This wasn´t supposed to happen! He made his way running next to Gray and gave him what he liked to call "the headbutt of evil".

"What the fu-Lyon! You douche! What the hell are you even doing here?"

"That doesn´t matter! You, me, fight, now! Juvia´s beautiful self will belong to me, not you!"

He threw Gray in the air like ragdoll.

"She belongs to no one! You´re just jealous she doesn´t give two craps about you!"

"That´ll change soon! I just need to beat you and show her your ugly bloody face later!"

"Like that´ll happen, you piece of pigeon crap!"

"You know a pigeon crapped on my eye when we were kids and you still throw that at me? You´re on!"

Meredy only looked at the love square fight going on in front of her. The Crime Sorcière members had only been around for two days in Magnolia to try and catch a Dark Guild rumored to be accepting indecent requests around the city. She hadn´t come for this! Even Jellal was assaulted today and she had no idea where he could possibly be.

But she wasn´t complaining. It was so worth it. She rubbed herself like a kitten against a conveniently placed statue of Count Balsamico. He was so attractive! She could spend the day staring at it…yes, definitely worth it.

Happy, Lily and Charla were flying over the guild, with Lily carrying a crying Asuka in his arms.

"What the _hell_ is going on?"

Asuka sobbed quietly and Lily would have facepalmed for forgetting to control his language around her if he could.

"I-I saw mommy being a meanie with lots of girls! And daddy was scared! The girls were attacking him!"

Lily patted her head with one hand while Happy and Charla only watched the scene down in confusion.

"I found you at last!"

Jellal coughed tiredly after struggling against no less than twenty girls. He was sure one of them was even sucking on his thumb at the moment. One of them might have eaten his left sock, but he wasn´t even sure anymore.

"Pentagram Sword!"

Jellal blinked quickly after a small explosion effectively threw the fangirls off him and he saw Erza standing right in front of him in her Heaven´s Wheel armor. She held a poker face despite her act and looked down at him without a word. She re-equiped back into her normal armor and suddenly, grabbed him by the collar.

"Listen to me and listen well," Erza snarled and Jellal gulped soundly, "because I´ll say this only once. Ravioli _now_."

Jellal didn´t need to be a genius to understand the innuendo and stuttered.

"B-b-but I have a-"

"I don´t give a shit about your smelly made up fiancé nor do I care about your self punishment emo issues. You´re dealing with me and that´s that."

Jellal didn´t even have time to protest before she dragged him off behind a pile of debris of the guild´s remains. This woman was _not_ to be messed with.

Gajeel had watched the whole scene and scratched his head. Why were women throwing themselves at the guys today? He, however, wasn´t wimpy like them. He´d managed to fight off all his potential fangirls up till now. He wouldn´t have fought her off, though…but she hadn´t even tried. She hadn´t even appeared.

A fake blonde suddenly jumped on him and he kung fu kicked her off him.

"I´ve told ya all! Hands off! This," he motioned his whole body, "has an owner already."

The blonde pouted and brought out a random microphone from somewhere he was sure wasn´t humanly possible and cringed.

"Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know?"

"God damn shit your singing is awful, woman!"

"Oops, I did it again!"

"Shut up, you suck! Badly!"

"Hit me baby one more time!"

"Ya like being kicked? You freak!"

She stopped singing and tried to cling on to him again seductively. He felt like puking.

"Aw, my cutie cheesecake…my name is Britney Spears…surely, you´ve heard about me…"

"Shit, is that why your singing sucks so badly?"

"You´re such a bad boy…I _love_ bad boys."

"And you´re a bad girl! I love nerds, get the fuck off me before I chop you to pieces, woman!"

"But I´m addicted to you, don´t you know that you´re toxic?"

"I told you to stop fucking singing! My ears are extra sensitive!"

"LEVY CHOP!"

A book was smashed to her skull and she fell over unconscious. A proud, but slightly worn out Levy, stood victoriously with her foot on Britney´s back.

Gajeel squealed and hugged her while she smirked proudly.

"You were my princess in shining armor!" Gajeel sobbed happily, "What took you so long, my dear?"

Levy sighed and pointed at a long bearded man who was on his knees, also sobbing.

"That creep was following me around and telling me I should logically find him attractive today. When I told him I didn´t, he began begging and telling me he came all the way from hell to get me and it just wasn´t fair that I didn´t love him. I mean, really… what kind of person does this? On a side note… you´re way more attractive than normal today…"

Gajeel raised an eyebrow. Was she also…?

He got his answer when she suddenly mimicked Erza´s earlier actions. If he didn´t know better, he´d say she was freaking _Hulk_.

The two rejected people stood next to each other, a now conscious Britney being comforted by the bearded man who was in the very same situation. Two lonely rejected souls. Or not so rejected after all as Britney finally stared into the man´s eyes.

"What is your name, my fine lady?"

"Britney…wait a minute…I know you…you are…!"

"Yes…I am Bin Laden."

"Aren´t you dead? Dead people stay alive? Awesome!"

Bin Laden shook his head. Poor, naive Britney.

"I made my way from hell to make Levy my wife…it was hard, but I managed…only to be rejected by her…"

Britney´s eyes watered and she hugged him.

"I don´t really get it, but I´ll be your wife!"

"Really?"

Bin Laden sounded hopeful and looked deep into her eyes.

"Yes! I´ll give you thirty evil babies!"

"Then so be it!"

And so, they kissed passionately, sealing their beautiful promise of leading a life together in death.

Sting, who´d been dragged to Magnolia by his wife in hopes she could force Gajeel and Levy into a heated session of ravioli, gagged.

"Ew, he´s a dang murderer AND could be her father…er, Luna?"

Said woman didn´t reply, too busy murdering each of his fangirls.

"You…you don´t need to kill them…"

No reply. If it weren´t for his enhanced hearing, he wouldn´t have heard a few ´_No one touches my Sting!´ _being muttered under her breath. He shivered a bit.

The fight between Lyon and Gray hadn´t calmed down, meanwhile. It had only gotten _worse_. Lyon decided it was time to take drastic measures and punched Gray a little harder than usual, giving him enough time to pull out a walking talky from his pants, the only thing he was wearing at the time, and mutter something to someone. He _needed _a distraction!

And on cue, the ground started shaking and everything stopped. The sky was turning black and everyone started hugging each other in fear of the sudden disaster. And, like in an illusion, the sky started opening and it literally rained people and animals from it. Laxus yelped and cried a bit as Freed (who was somehow affected by whatever it was that took over Magnolia _women_ that day), Mirajane and Lisanna latched onto his limbs.

As quickly as it happened, the mysterious event stopped, leaving behind the characters spit from the sky.

Lyon smirked. Perhaps this could work out as a distraction.

The women´s fear stopped instantly when the panic inducing disaster happened and went back to physically harassing random males.

Earlier that day, Natsu had been right. Lucy´s Land Lady had, in fact, also tried breaking in the guild. But now, she was more interested in one of the figure´s that fell from the sky. He must be a heaven´s gift!

She slowly walked up to him and jumped a bit too high for such an old woman, hugging him from behind.

The confused man looked behind him.

"Where the fuck am I? I want Hueco Mundo back!"

She pulled out a purse and hit him across the face with it, surprising him.

"Fiesty," he started, "I like that."

The nameless Land Lady smiled and winked at him.

Droy shook his fist with jealousy. First it happened with Levy. He wasn´t gonna let this blue haired freak take his Land Lady away!

He spit masticated bread at the Arrancar.

"Ugh, what the hell, fatass?"

"I challenge you to a ravioli competition with that Land Lady, blue haired man!"

"My name is Grimmjow. And kinky, I like it." He grinned perversely.

The Land Lady fist pumped the air. Jackpot! They´d have a very good affair, the three of them. She´d make sure of it.

Jet looked in jealousy at Droy nearby. Laki was only interested in that damn lion! He fell from the sky and she´d never even seen him before! What was so great about him anyway? He was thin, rude and ugly!

"I like lionesses, for the last time! I demand you get away from me!"

"That scar in your eye is so beautiful!" Laki giggled.

"Don´t talk about my scar! I changed my name to Scar because of it! My name was Taka…pathetic!"

Jet took a closer look at the lion. She was right. He did look so appealing with that scar…

"Furthermore!" Scar started "I have a mate and her name is _Zira_. And two cubs who are now adults! I should be ruling the Pridelands right now! I do not know where I am and that irritates me. I-"

Jet had gotten Reedus, who was forever alone as no girl was interested, to draw him two lioness suits and he offered one to Laki, who saw his intelligent plan and became suddenly interested in his idea.

Scar had a lot of trouble ignoring the two now beautiful lionesses in front of him. He cursed.

"Forgive me, Zira."

Jet and Laki cheered to themselves.

Evergreen was looking at Wendy chatting about a boy named Peter Pan with a fairy named Wendy herself and felt herself grow jealous of Wendy´s friendship with her. Who dare she be a Fairy? She was the queen of fairies! She clapped when Romeo falcon kicked the fairy unconscious and stole Wendy away.

"Pika."

Evergreen looked down as an electric mouse hugging her foot. She squealed. He was _so_ cute.

"Aw, are you lost, little one? Evergreen will help you!"

"That thing is not manly!"

Elfman managed to shout out while being bitten by his fangirls. They looked like zombies eating their prey. She was going to shout at him, but when Pikachu tried to kiss her and shock her, she decided he was partially right.

She threw him into the sea of fangirls and they instantly ran to him, probably killing him under the weight of some overweight house wives.

She turned to Elfman´s fangirls and cracked her knuckles. Oh, they were going to get it. If they wanted her _man,_ they´d have to get through her first. Elfman would be proud if he´d heard.

Rogue had his own fangirls being kept away by a girl named Rena and he silently blamed Sting for being here in the first place. Had it not been for him and his wife, he could be in his comforting home with Frosch. Who, at the moment was unsuccessfully flying next to the other exceeds, not counting Lector, and trying to get Lily to drop Asuka and play with _her_ instead. Rogue shook his head. Well, at least Lector had picked a worse mate considering he was openly flirting with Fairy Tail´s Celestial Mage´s spirit, commonly referred to as Plue. Sting wouldn´t be happy about that.

The situation itself, however, was calling his attention. It seemed like that rift in the sky had brought out random people from many different dimensions… but who had done that? Why?

A blue fat and earless cat hit him in the face suddenly.

"Mister, will you go out with me? Please? My name is Doraemon! I´m lost and not even my time machine was able to get me out of here. Some love could help me!"

Rogue kicked him in the face and he flew to the other side of Magnolia, where the situation was pretty much the same, adding to his bruises already made when he interrupted Jellal and Erza´s ravioli in an attempt to flirt with the latter. She had simply not been very pleased.

Doraemon sadly wiped a tear away. Forever alone? He wouldn´t be forever alone! He looked at the ground and it suddenly hit him. He touched the ground carefully and hit him. Of course! The ground couldn't reject him! They would live happily ever after! With renewed hope, he kissed the shining clean ground. It would follow him anywhere he went! The perfect pair! Forever alone? Never alone!

Reedus, the true forever alone, was rudely kicked by Erza and Yukino.

"O-ow…what´s wrong ladies?"

"Draw me my hair back immediately."

Erza had covered Yukino´s mouth with one hand so she could have her request granted first, while the silver haired woman struggled miserably to get free. The red haired woman now had shoulder length hair. Reedus looked around and found a woman with bugged out eyes whispering sweet nothings to Erza´s hair and he assumed she´d cut it off while Erza had been interrupted in her ravioli _again_.

"Beautiful red hair…" the woman he recognized as Flare from their rival guild, Raven Tail, whispered like a maniac, "blondes are stupid…red hair is the way to go…we´ll have the rest of our lives together, hair…oh, yes…"

Reedus decided not to ask. He simply grew a perfect replica of Erza´s previous hair and let her move on before she took her anger out on him.

Yukino, on the other hand, looked about to murder someone. She screamed.

"Look at them! Everyone is so happy and has at least one partner and I don´t! Why is that?"

Reedus did look around, but all he saw was a pissed Erza walking off, a shameless Max holding his dear broom, Ichiya shouting about men while his partner, a stick, was hitting his few fangirls and Warren kissing his shoes, glad that no one else was interested in him at the moment. He could swear he saw Raven Tail´s Kurohebi and Toby having an affair with Toby´s socks behind some debris, but he decided against asking what the hell other guild´s members were doing there. Too much trouble. He was also pretty sure he saw Lisanna cursing at her own sister for stealing Laxus away and forcefully tear Bixlow´s mask away and kiss him just because. Freed seemed pretty content in a three way relationship with Laxus and Mira, however.

"See?"

Her shriek irked him for some reason. Sometimes he was glad to be forever alone with bossy people like this around.

"Which is why," she started, a bit more calmly this time, "I want you to draw me male genitals."

Reedus wanted to faint, but he was too tired to care and simply did as he was told so he could shoo the creep off quickly.

The new male Yukino smiled. Her new name would be Dexter, because the object of her affection seemed to like that sort of names. She waved at a confused Warren, who now had fangirls and was having his shoes shoe-slap them all into oblivion. She also winked at Rufus, who was being assaulted himself by a flying horse who named herself Rainbow Dash or something along those lines. Or so she heard. Or should _she_ be a _he_ now?

No matter, she had reached her one true love, having an affair with a boy named _Dex_. Master Bob, from Blue Pegasus, laid eyes on Dexter.

"Yukino…is that you? What…what an attractive young man!"

"What about me?"

Dex seemed heartbroken.

Dexter smiled.

"I went through this all…we can share."

Needless to say neither of the three had any objections to the suggestion.

Lyon wiped the blood off his own face as Ichiya could be heard cheering for his beloved stick in the background.

"So Gray…like what I set up, huh?"

"What do you mean, pervert?"

"This whole ordeal! Who do you think set it up? Ha! You´d never do something like this for Juvia! I deserve her more!"

Natsu was moaning nearby after Lucy´s countless assaults. Loke had opened his own gate and tried protesting, but Lucy had simply called Aries on him. An affected Aries was a very not too shy Aries. Loke would thank Lucy later on. Regardless, Natsu was listening to the conversation between the two ice mages and he certainly wasn´t happy.

"The crap you talking about?" Gray raised an eyebrow, "How would _you_ do something like this? And why?"

"To distract Juvia from you! She could get depressed over the amount of girls drooling over you and that´s where I´d come in to comfort her and win her heart! How? You´re really stupid, Gray. Didn´t you hear Crime Sorcière was here to slay a dark guild? I contacted them, that´s why they were seen in Magnolia!"

Natsu snickered.

"Man, you´re desperate."

Gray had to grudgingly agree with Natsu for once in their lives. Then a question hit him and he shook his head.

"Wait a freaking second. If this was only for Juvia, why did you get _every_ girl in Magnolia affected? And why are there so many people from other guilds and even other freaking worlds here?"

"Ah…" Lyon scratched his head at this, "to be fair, dark guild members are usually somewhat stupid…I told them I wanted a few girls affected by whatever potion they blew around…but they…they kinda misunderstood and got a probably titan sized one…well, I paid them well, they only wanted to thank me with a job well done! And for the other members, how the hell am I supposed to know? They´re probably here for the amusement park…"

"What about the random lions and stuff falling from the sky?"

"I told them I needed a distraction to get you to look away…it worked, though, you´re more hurt than I am! That´s sort of what they came up with… they´re stupid, but powerful. I just guess the Magic Council won´t be happy if they did steal something like that from them…"

"Dude, you went through this crap because you´re jealous that Juvia likes me. That´s…sad."

"It is the dimension of my love for her!"

"How do we get these people back to their worlds?"

"Ah…haha…um…they-they kinda told me they don´t know how to counter it…"

"You idiot! You set things up without planning anything? What about our friends? They´re also affected by the shitty spell that makes guys unbearably attractive to them! They´ll be like that _forever_?"

"Ah, no…that one wears off after a day, they´ve told me. The problem is really the outsiders…and I´m surprised you figured out what the spell was."

Makarov freed himself from Porlyusica´s strong grasp and made his way to the two mages.

"And now we have to rebuild our guild because of your silly selfishness. Are you satisfied?"

Lyon gulped. Makarov wasn´t to be messed with, especially when he had an extra swagger gained by being hit on by a woman.

"No sir…"

"Ugh and you did this for nothing. Ultear and Juvia are still interested in me and not you. Tsk."

Gray shook his head mockingly.

"Yeah, well, that´s only until my next plan!"

Somehow, somewhere, all the males present managed to free themselves from their partners or assaulters and turned murderously to Lyon.

"Oh, no, you don´t."

He wasn´t even sure who´d said that, but what he was sure of was that he´d never run so much in his life.

Sting was the only one who stayed behind, blinking in confusion.

"If it´s all my fault, why are they chasing him?"

-x-

What a bitch to write… seriously, when your keyboard is ruined, writing a fic is hell.

Well, that´s crack. Hope you smoked a lot.


End file.
